A New Journey (nothing to do with the band)

"I'm on the brute squad" (picture of Andre the Giant)
"It's a major award" (picture of a leg lamp)
"Cardinals" (redbird on bat logo)
"It's the Great Pumpkin" (picture of Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch)

What do these four things have in common, one might ask?  If you answered, "They're all printed on T shirts" I'd have to punch you in the face for cheating and ruining what could have been an extremely enjoyable guessing game.  However, I'd follow that up by proclaiming that you are, indeed, correct.  Those four phrases are printed on T shirts.  Now, why bring this up?  If your guess was, "These are T shirts that you own," again, you would have a pummeling coming your way.  Yes, these are T shirts that I own, but the strange thing is I've never worn them.  As awesome as I believe these articles of clothing to be, I've never worn them.  Not by choice, mind you. 

I can't wear those shirts.  As of this posting the smallest shirt size I can wear is a 3X.  These shirts are all a 2X.  Trust me if I could wear a 2X, I would wear them all very proudly.  Which brings me to my point.  It's time.  This complacency with my physical appearance (not to mention my health) has run its course.  In my early twenties it was funny.  "Oh look, the fat guy is going back for seconds.  That's our Z!"  At age 35, it's getting to be pathetic.  It's time for a change.

So, as of yesterday, I'm on a diet.  This is the first time I've even attempted such a thing since I was 11.  Now, I'll refrain from going into details about the foods involved (and not involved).  I've always found that a bit annoying.  Not to mention the fact that I couldn't tell you off the top of my head anyway.  So, praise God that my wife and I are doing this together (she's done this diet recently and had great success).  Also, I promise not to whine about how much I wish I could go get some Taco Bell, or Pizza Hut, or a box of Cheez It's (which I will miss very dearly).

Now, I don't post this to say "Hey!  Look at me!"  That's the last thing I want.  But, this is going to be hard.  So......I'm asking for your prayers.  If you don't believe in that, then I'd at least like your thoughts (as awesome as you find me to be I know I already have them ;)).  I really want to succeed at this.  And, as Fat [fatherless child] once said, "It's a long road ahead". 

I will be able to wear those T shirts.  Oh yes.  I will.
    

Selling The Garage

Hindsight being 20/20, my wife and I probably should have advertised yesterday's event as a "Yard Sale".  We have no garage in which to sell any items of which we no longer have any use.  In fact, one customer was kind enough (read: smart allecky enough) to point out that that they saw no garage for sale at our short-term place of business.  Fortunately enough, I had the presence of mind to inform him that this was  due to the fact that it had already been sold.  Yes, it was a lie.  No, I am not ashamed.

Having said all that, I have found that some interesting people seem to come out of the woodwork when holding a garage sale.  I am very confident in the fact that anyone who has ever held such an event has come into contact with said citizens.  Hardcore "garage salers" and casual "stoppers by" alike can be both entertaining and annoying.  I would go as far as to say that they have never read these here rules (which I just now made up) for the modern garage sale shopper.

1.  The advertised start time for the sale is when the sale will start - This is one that I cannot stress enough.  If the sign says we start at 8, do not show up at 7 and expect me to sell you something.  Yesterday someone pulled up (blocking our driveway) as we were carrying things out of the house.  Last time we held a sale a dude actually came up to the front door two hours early and peered through the window to see what we had.  There's a difference between hardcore and creepy, folks.

2.  What you see is what we have - Did someone in a blue vest greet you at the foot of my driveway?  No?  That's because this is not a Wal Mart.  I seriously had a person ask if I had a pair of shoes in a different size.  I responded by throwing the shoes at them.  No I didn't.

3.  Yes, price is negotiable, but let's not get crazy - If an item is tagged as costing $25 I will not sell it to you for $2.  Also, don't try to talk me down on an item that costs a quarter.

4.  If I tell you something is not for sale, I mean it - No, sir, I will not sell you the lawn chair with the Canadian maple leaf on it.  No, ma'am, the antique high chair has been in the family for years.  It is on the porch as a decoration.  Stop saying numbers.  I said no.

5.  All sales are final - I'm not giving you your five bucks back because your wife got mad at you for buying my old Atari.

Just keep these rules in mind and we'll get along just fine.  Unless you're not very nice.  then we won't ever get along.

   

Starting Over....Sorta

So, for reasons I really don't feel like taking the time to explain, I had to start a new blog account.  That is fine.  With the advent of social networking that we get to enjoy in this here 21st century I highly doubt that the people who hang on my every word (everyone) will have a hard time finding my little nuggets of literary genius.

Hey!  I just looked a a preview of the first paragraph that you just read and I really dig this format as compared to the old one.  Maybe that will be enough incentive for me to post more regularly.  Or not.  Or is it?  No, it's not.

Suffice it to say, I feel like a clean slate has been provided in which I can relay my thoughts (be them humorous or more serious in nature).  So, I have, indeed, started over.  Don't worry, though.  I'm still going to do silly things like this:

 In fact, the only promise I'm going to make upon debuting this new blog is that I'll still do these pointless videos.  Hey, it's the least I can do.  Seriously, it's the very least.  I could probably attempt to do something less, but I would fail miserably.  Because this is the least.

I will try to post more often than on the old blog.......but I'm not promising anything.....as I just said.